[applegirl]

Hey, hey- I like to burden open-minded friendly people with my issues sometimes, so I'll unload a few on any readers who care to read on- let me know if you've got thoughts/ insights/ criticisms...

I'm having my third baby any day now- maybe tonight.

I personally would love to get back to my career- teaching high school science- this fall, if I can get hired nearby- I miss the career a lot, and I miss the "normalcy" of having a regular job- I haven't worked full time for about a year and a half now (unemployment for a bit, FMLA leave, etc)

Furthermore, my husband has had some concerns about the permanence of his job lately, and it's been stressful- He'd love to be in a position where he can give his boss the finger and walk away and find a better job if the man continues to fail to appreciate him...and although he could do that now- he's pretty hirable- I totally understand that he would feel more secure about the situation if I was working full time, so he's anxious for me to go back too.

The financials of the situation don't make a lot of sense short-term; If I go back to work this fall, before my oldest starts school, the cost of daycare for THREE kids, plus travel costs, wardrobe, taxes, etc... we'd come out with a net financial gain, but it's narrow enough that it's not necessarily worth the fact that the kids wouldn't see either of their parents much, the house wouldn't be as clean and organized, the general mood of the household would be more rushed and stressed...

And oh yeah, this brand new baby will have to suddenly spend most of each day in daycare at the tender age of only about three months, and that just kills me- I think the first year with a brand new baby is very stressful for me as the mom, but it's also a time when the child is so helpless that my instincts and hormones are on at full- blast to do everything I can to be there for that baby and make its life as perfect as possible. After about 8-9 months, the older the child gets, the easier it is for me to separate myself a little at a time, and let them start to learn and grow and develop a bit in ways that don't rely on me as much- the separation increases with age, but I still am very protective of all my kids, of course...

So - a big part of me thinks I should give up on the job idea for one more year.

BUT- I have a lot of pride too, I do NOT like to be a dependent and do NOT like to tell my husband I've decided he needs to continue to support four dependents - me plus 3 kids- for another whole year, because I just am not willing to work yet- AND- the sooner I get back to work the sooner I move back up the teaching payscale- AND- lots of kids see their mom go back to work even earlier than 3 months- the child will learn and adapt and be fine in the long run- AND- there is a net financial gain - AND- this may keep my older kids from being as spoiled, having mommy home at their beck - and- call...

AND- it's very hard to find part-time work that pays more than the cost of childcare for 3.

I'm actually just today throwing the idea around in my head of putting together a couple of Apple Newton the Science Clown gigs and seeing if I can make enough money that way to pay for someone to watch the kids while I do shows at schools, and maybe also this way make myself and my husband feel better about me not working full time in the fall... ?

I really like to have a decision MADE- and right now it looks like this is more of an evolving situation, where I'll probably get interviews, hopefully get job offers, look at the finances a few different ways, discuss the situation with my husband- and try to come up with the best possible deal- and in the end be totally unsatisfied either way, whether I go back to work full-time as a teacher, or stay home and try to scratch out some money here and there while caring for 3 little kids.

I guess if I could ask for one quick bit of input from anybody who wants to give it- it would be- am I in a position to (a) just tell my husband that I will NOT return for full-time work this fall, that it just doesn't make sense to me right now? Or (b) between my own waffling on the topic, and the fact that I've got no promise of income at all if I don't work, and the fact that the lack of job security is weighing on our minds, is it best for me to just take whatever I get jobwise, and get over the fact that the baby will be a young baby?

Thanks from a conflicted clown wannabe-