I'm currently working on a golfing routine based loosely on an article Lee "Juggles" Mullally published in the august 1991 (I think) issue of Clowning Around. I have done this routine once before around 10 years ago - completely forgot how my version goes and lost the props so I'll have to recreate them.

I say loosely based as although they key slapstick moments (break away and velcro clubs) are the same the setting. The motivation for the routine is more akin to a Goofy Movie (how to) than to Juggles original routine (clown on the course)

and the beginning of the routine (received golf set and instructions) is based around the setup/premise for banana/bandana - with room for a little byplay of puns, Tee/Tea, Hole in one, 5 iron etc

So Basics of the act

Receive the Clubs (set up premise)
Check the contents (Pun based golf gags)
Put on Instructional CD and try to follow instructions (Breakaway club, Spring club, Velcro club)

My question is this, how would you end this act? as simply doing these bits then walking off doesn't seem to do it for me.

I'm looking for one last big laugh at the end, something hopefully energetic to keep em laughing till the next act

Any ideas?


Smartii

One idea, though not energetic, is to send the club flying offstage somewhere. Then you could pack up your stuff and go looking for it, or just wander off mumbling to yourself about having to find it. Of course that wouldn't work at all if you were somewhere where you might bonk someone with it. Are you using a real golf club, or a plastic toy?

Hi Daisy,

It will a set of 3 platic toy golf clubs I'm using but I'll be cutting the shafts out and replacing them with variously: a spring wand, 2 breakaway wands and a length of dowel to make them up to adult height. Still have the oversized look but will make them distinguishable from standard toys and a lot easier to handle.

Having it go flying off could work as I'll be working a stage and although it's not in a theatre per se - we have a "wings" setting up area behind the spider-flex so if it were to hit someone it would be a colleague and they're easier to appease than an audience.

Keep the ideas coming folks

Smartii

You need an exploding golf ball. Maybe a big cloud of smoke or some pyrotechnics. As in, you finally hit the ball square on and everything just blows up - you disappear or are reduced to half size (ala Dorf.)

I like the idea Nash, I've never used pyro before and the show will be on a low maybe foot and a half stage with the kids sitting on the floor 2 foot away. I 'll knock the idea around my head and see if I can figure a way to direct the smoke/talc whatver towards me -I like the image I have in my head of me covered in a cloud of dust pure white with just 2 blinking eyes poking through. I'll try to get a video of what I do and post it for critique.

Smartii

I once did a Scottish clown golfing character at Gleneagles with the Clown Army for the G8 summit. It is where the tartan jacket came from in my albums. I had a set of childrens toy golf clubs and a handfull of bad lines and jokes. There are loads of golfing jokes that could be worked up into clown gags, skits and shows.

Have a very stupid clown caddy. Loose all your golf kit, hunt and search around a bit and each time you ask for help, your stupid caddy hands you the totally wrong item. Loose your wood and the caddy hands you a piece of wood. Then search for your iron and have the clown hand you a steam iron. Then look for your tee and have the clown bring you a cup of tea. The sand wedge becomes a sandwich etc. Golf.... The only time it's acceptable for a man to hold an iron. Golf, the unly time it is acceptable to allow a woman to drive.
Act really silly, throw your self around a bit and explain your playing crazy golf.BBC News - "Bush plays more golf than Blair". So what? I play more football than a tree..... .... I play mini-golf with midgets. They just call it golf though....
I was playing golf the other day when I bumped into my mate. "Look what I've got!" he explained showing me a golf ball. "What's so special about that?" I asked him. "This ball cannot be lost," He told me. When you hit it into bushes it emits a bleeping sound. When it goes into water a little flag is raised, and if you lose it at night it lights up!" "That's great! Where did you get it?". "I found it."I fell asleep watching Star Trek and when I awoke, the golf was on. I thought bloody hell, they landed on a crap planet this week.
It takes lots of balls to play golf the way I do, you know. I play crazy golf with lunatics. They just call it golf though…..
It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf club!
Playing around with the direction the ball takes in flight is a very visual gag. It can be very simply performed with just your eyes moving. Or can be beefed up depending on your resources into a very complex piece of theatre. Hit the ball off stage in one direction. Have somebody throw a matching ball on stage from the other side, hitting you on the back of the head and knocking you off the stage. That is simple and easy but once you start thinking about the flight of the ball, you realise there is nothing limiting you to something so simple. This next joke might inspire you to think of such things. It could possibly even work for the ministry types. Unfortunately it is a three man skit and will require a certain amount of set up but I think it could work well for the right type of clown with the right kind of resources. The basic premise is….

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
I had a round of golf with my entire family today and I must say we all did pretty well.... even Pa
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
What’s the difference between praying in a church and praying on the golf course? You really mean it when you’re on the golf course
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad".

Something like that might sound completely impossible at first glance. I expect to do it as written, you would need the resources of Cirque Soleil or Slava Polunin. It would become magic theatre of the highest order. But if you actually think about it, there is much you can do to improvise and achieve much the same kind of effect. With a little bit of effort and ingenuity it is entirely feasible that you could do this entirely out of junk found in a skip. Did you hear about the married man who has an affair? He asks his mistress to rub his shoes in the grass, so that his wife thinks he's been playing golf. Tiger Woods doesn't use this technique.
Have a look at what Paolo Nani does with the banana skin a the 5.40 mark.Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them ? Just in case they had a hole in one.
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Thanks Barry, great post again. As I'm doing it as a solo piece I was planning on working the sand wedge, wood, and all the other puns into the beginning of the sketch where I'm checking I've got all the equipment. As a 2 or 3 man piece it would be asier to get some to and fro into it but I like to improv and bounce off the audience a bit so I'm going to work it solo.

I did have a hole in one gag in the previous piece I did but as i try to remember it it seemed tacked on and not natural to the piece.

I can't believe I never thought of the ball going wild and miming it up, that could be a lot of fun and an opportunity to throw myself around a bit. But then that's why I threw it out here to get the input of the great and good.

Smartii

Or maybe the ball explodes and releases (though hidden in other areas) confetti all over everybody?

But I sort of like your idea of being covered in white with just your eyes poking out better.

Ok I gotta stop posting on here so late,

When did Tim become Nash?
Why does one clown need so many aliases?
What's he got to hide?
Who put the bomp (in the bomp, bomp, bomp)?
Where do babies come from?

I don't think I could get an exploding ball ready for the show in time but how does this sound for when I get the time to work on it?
- the ball doesn't explode it disappears (wel drops into a teapot) somehow I create the illusion of it exploding (party poppers or fun snaps possibly?) the club contains a powder rig aimed upwards and backwards at me which after the bang gives the illusion of an explosion but with a purely directional blast?

I love it when I over complicate things! This one goes in the to do pile after I build my exploding harmonica and finish my gimmicked suitcase.

Smartii

Ok I gotta stop posting on here so late,

When did Tim become Nash?
Why does one clown need so many aliases?
What's he got to hide?
Who put the bomp (in the bomp, bomp, bomp)?
Where do babies come from?

Let me start with the last one first.....

... and finish my gimmicked suitcase.

Gimmicked suitcase? Oh DO tell more!

Hey Tim, It's a tough one to explain as it's all a random jumble of influences in my head. But I'll try anyway bear with me it may be a relatively long explanation of a really quite simple thing but that's the way my head works.

**background**
I was a sound engineer for a number of years, I love live music and always know how to mix it better or get more out of it from the acts. As a clown I don't really do the birthday party scene as the current style of birthday party clown we all tend to know is magic games and a whatever presented by a clown. I don't really subscribe to that style and although I could go out and do a half assed job of it as I wouldn't really enjoy my act. So I have been trying to resolve how I could do a more clowning based show without involving the normal staple of magic, let me jump back to sound engineer for a second , I loved live music and mixing and being in control but never working the birthday scene even though i ran a PA hire company, I never used a PA as a clown.

I want to start doing birthday parties but on my terms, I'll be clowning for the entire show and only 1 magic trick will take place, however lot's of magical things will happen unexpectedly.

I can't get my head round the idea of me turning up dressed as a clown in sound engineer mode and once the equipment is set up then becoming Smartii. I want to be Smartii from the moment I step through the door (unicycle through in a hall). To this end I decided I couldn't use a PA system yet I wanted the roundness and wholeness using sound effects would give to polish the show.

So I have purchased a old tattered 1940's style leather look suitcase about 2 and half foot by 1 and a half foot square. and this is going to contain the entire show and act as a PA system.

I have finally sourced most of the components to build a 100w PA system out of the slimmest and lightest components I can find.

In it there will be 5 and half in diameter ultra slim speakers designed for fitting in sports car doors, a hi-fi amp for a motorcycle like the ones fitted in cars but much smaller and lighter, a 4 input micro mixing desk, a 3 way crossover to seperate hi mid and low speakers and give better clarity to the sound, a set of tweeters from a recoding studio set of monitors, and hollow chambers in the base of the case can be used for storage or as a bass bin with use of a transducer with uses hollow chambers to resonate like an acoustic guitar.

**cut to the chase Smartii**
So basically I'm making a lightweight portable suitcase PA system that runs of a 12v go-ped battery. with a built in remote controlled mp3 player that I can trigger for sound effects. Meaning I can be both sound engineer and clown at the same time.

Not so gimmicked yet, I want to mount either a r/c car that can support the weight of the case or a robot module so I can turn tight circles with independant wheels. For the end of my act as I want to be on even as I head for the car. for one final laugh as I leave the building I will have packed up my guitar case and all the act back into the suitcase, then walk off without the suitcase, turn around and whistle on it and have it come running like a puppy.

Once I block out the act and see where needs tightening up other devices to aid me will be added provided they can run off 12v and I'm already planning to add a large football rattle like a gramophone handle to give it an old world charm.

Ps did i mention the slim speaker would be recessed in the lid along with the tweeters, covered by material painted like sign writing so it isn't obvious the sound comes from the case, this will enable me to pull 2 (fake and obviously 2 big to have fit in the suitcase) speakers from the suitcase and a mic stand to have an opportunity to use the gags I though of using when setting up a PA for real.

That's the idea of the magical things but no magic idea I'm working around. I don't go wow look at how I got these out of that tiny space, like a magician. Instead I'm oblivious to how odd this is (misdirection from the obvious folding nature of the speakers) more a case of me not being aware that the laws of physics do not apply around me. Part Harpo Marx, a little Mary Poppins and hopefully a dash of Doctor Who.

Was that long winded enough? I've just realised that if Barry writes all his messages this long hunched over a computer, he must be very stiff after a night on the forum.

Never again! I don't know how he manages.

Smartii

This might not be within the scope of many peoples interests, here. But it is certainly something I could quite easily see my self doing in a clown performance. Something akin to Leo Gallagher's Sledge O'Matic type stunts. I saw Gallagher (on TV) when he first performed that watermellon smashing thing, in the UK and the audience were taken completely by surprise. It provoked all the reactions and pandemonium you might expect and it was completely hillarious. But after that one time, the front row would all turn up wearing kagools and be cowering under polythene sheets. I did not understand why people were still laughing the joke was only good the one time.

But 25+ years on, thinking now as a clown, creating some mindscape theatre with clown logic and using that logic to play a trick on the audience, is quite interesting to me. Jelly and golf clubs might make an interesting and delightfully messy combination. Managing to give your audience a little nasty surprise and adding an element of danger to their viewing pleasure, as you simulate playing golf and being trapped in a bunker or water hazard.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_86wbFK7iQ&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_86wbFK7iQ&feature=related)

You could be onto something here Barry, I'm not sure I could shock that much with jelly, but the unexpected in this delights me. The basic premise of the act has me getting more frustrated as one club after another gets the better of me so building up to a crescendo of smashing the stage set up isn't so big a leap.

Would I have the balls to cover my audience in Jelly? I doubt it I'm not quite that anarchistic. It could set the wheels in motion though, and smashing the set up with the audience being covered in something (because the surprise is the best bit) could work. I suppose I just have to decide how far I'm willing to go.

Smartii