So this clown walks into a bar. Ouch! No sound effects. :cry:

Whatever you do in life it pays to raise the bar.

Same clown walks into a bar. Ouch! Gees you thought he would have ducked since he knew there was a bar there.

Duck walks into a bar. Clown sees duck. Now clown and duck both quack up.
Sara K.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar and the Bartenders says "what is this, a Joke?"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet giraffe... the giraffe settles in the corner to take a nap while the guy orders a drink. The bartender looks into the corner, does a double-take, and asks "What's that lyin' there?" to which the guy responds "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

Two peanuts walk into a bar in the seedy part of town. They were assaulted.

A string walked into a bar on her way back from getting all done up at the beauty parlor. Bartenter says, " Hey, aren't you a string? We don't serve strings here."
String replied, "I'm afraid not."
(for you literalists, "I'm a frayed knot."):pie::splatter:

Two peanuts walk into a bar in the seedy part of town. They were assaulted.


Two musicians walked into a bar in the CD part of town.................

I like these kind of jokes where there is dozens of them all running on a similar theme or formula. Rather than just tell one joke, you can string them together and create a story with some kind of logic to it. I do it particularly with “Cannibal Jokes”, where it is just one punch line after the other. I can’t share that particular routine with you, it starts off with “Two cannibals eating a clown” but gets progressively more twisted and perverse. You could also try it with “Blonde Jokes”, and because there are so many, it is easy to tailor your routine for your particular audience.

While remembering one joke at a time is sometimes difficult, stringing them together into little monologues. With a logic and progression running through them, makes them much easier to remember. I put together this little thing last night and performed it at work today for my colleagues.

Three men walked into a bar, Paddy an Irishman, Jock from Scotland and Abdul Awwal Muhammad, an English man. They didn’t invite the Welshman because he was busy conducting scientific experiments inserting human DNA into a sheep. People started patting their backsides. Paddy yells at the barman, “What sort of place is this?” The barman replies, “A tapas bar.”. So they left and went to the next bar, Paddy says, “I’ll have a double.” So the barman brings out a guy who looked just like him. Jock says, “I’ll have something tall, icy and full of gin.” So the barman turned to his wife and said, “Hilda, there’s someone here to see you.” Jock took one look at Hilda and changed his mind, he said, “Actually, I think I might prefer a double entendre.” So the barman gave him one. Abdul Awwal Muhammad said, “And I would like half a coke.” The barman said, “OK”. Just then, a man walks into a pub does a triple back flip onto a chair then cartwheels over to the bar and orders a pint of bitter. Jock says to the barman, “Wow, that was unusual.” The barman replies, “I thought that too, he usually drinks lager.”.

Jock says, “Y'ken, I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
“Well,” said Abdul Awwal Muhammad, “At my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
“Ahhh, that's nuttin,” said Paddy. “Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
“Wow,” said Jock and Abdul, “did this actually happen to you?”
“Not me, myself, personally, no,” said Paddy, “but it happened to me sister!”

An Irish man walked out of a bar.

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
She screamed. "Why you worthless , insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!"
"Funny." he muttered, "You sound exactly like her too."

I think I knew that Irish man, must say he was a pretty serious drunk too and I think
that was his wife in the bar speaking unkindly of him, his vision was a bit off at that time.

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and is stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priests breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir have you been drinking?"

"Just water." says the priest.

The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! he's done it again!"

A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"

Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!"

"May I please have a drink?"

"What? You have to speak up!"

"Could I please have a drink?"

"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse." :clowncar::music:

lady says TARBENDER bring me another Martoni I gots the heartburn
he replies no you've obviously had too much to drink!
its BARTENDER not TARBENDER
its Martini NOR Martoni
and if you get your boob outta the ashtray you wouldnt have the heartburn

I love it, Pinkie Bee. Boob in the ashtray...you just made my day.

i don't cause i'm not old enough

For Irish husbands only . . .
Recently at an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled, “Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their life worth living.”

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The bartender was almost crushed to death.:pie:

I love it, Pinkie Bee. Boob in the ashtray...you just made my day.

I must have had too much root beer cause I'm seeing double in the ashtray. ;)

This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?

The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?

The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I’m going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".

The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?

Love that joke it's a classic. Here's my favorite version
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q

my grand daughter loved it. Also the duck song 2,3,and 4.

Lady walks in to a casino and puts 20 grand on the table and says bet it on black!! Dealer puts it in place and hands her the dice. She says to the dealer

" I hope you done mind but I'm luckier nude" and strips all her clothes off, rolls the dice and jumps up and down with her arms high in the air, and says i won!! I won! Quickly grabs all the money off the table and her clothes and runs out the door.

Dealer looks at his boss and boss says "did she really win all that money?" dealer says "I don't know I thought you was watching??!!":mad::???::pie:

Sounds like the naked truth to me.....

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.
At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.
"Thanks," he says, and leaves.
An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.
An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."
"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"
"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."
"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"
Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.

"Tea time."

Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes it takes 3 or 4 people to pull us apart.

Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes it takes 3 or 4 people to pull us apart.

Would those be the same 4 people who help you change your light-bulb?

I think my girl friend has had sixty one boy friends before me because she calls me, her sixty second lover.

Why should you only put 239 beans in your Bean Soup?
Because one more would be too farty (have to say it with a bit of a Norwegian accent)

I was in a Pub the other night. Had a few...

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong ascents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggen' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember...

I was in a Pub the other night. Had a few...

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong ascents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggen' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember...

Whale, I guess you won't be going back there for awhile.

You are absolutely right grandpa, I won't be going back for a whale!!!

Last time I went bar hopping, I got my nose broken in two places.

Next time I go, I'll skip those two places.

So, a dyslexic walks into a bra.....:pie:

My wife is a member of DAM, Mothers Against Dyslexia

The agnostic dyslexic pondered the existence of Dog

This old truck driver into a bar and orders an orange juice. Five motorcycle gang members come over to him and begin to make fun of him and even going so far as to dump his orange juice all over his lap. The old man then calmly pays his bill and walks out. The gang starts laughing saying how the old man must be deaf AND dumb. The bartender then states, "Yeah, he can't see too well either. He just ran over five motorcycles.:

Why should you only put 239 beans in your Bean Soup?
Because one more would be too farty (have to say it with a bit of a Norwegian accent)


Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That made my eyes bleed, it was so bad :)