Battle of the sexes thread

[Happy Chappy & Daisy]

Okay, this one's a true story.

There was a gym in New York (I believe) that was for men only. Some women took them to court to get themselves admitted as members. The court said that it was illegal for them to discriminate (I laugh when I see these women's only gyms - how long before they get sued). So the women are allowed in, but they didn't like the fact that men kept staring at them while they were on the thigh machines and such, so they petitioned for a "Women Only" room. So the management walled off a section and designated it for women only.

The equipment inside? A washing machine and an ironing board.

[Chance Marmalade]

That was great Gladman! You're more brave than I am lol! And Happy Chappy that was awesome. Here's one:

How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None. It should be opened when she brings it to you.

And for the ladies:

What do you call a man with half a brain?
-Gifted.

[Bumbles]

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

[sirlaffalot]

There were three men in the line to heaven, St. Peter was there for the entrance interview.
Gentlemen I have just two questions for each of you. You must answer truthfully because we already know the answer.
The first is 'How long were you married', and the seconed is 'how many times did you cheat on your wife?'"

The first man stepped up and told St. Peter "I was married for 2 years and cheated about twenty times." St. Peter said "I'm glad you answered honestly, but you will be driving heavens golden roads in a used Yugo."

The next man stepped up, "I was married for ten years and have only cheated three times." St. Peter told the man that he would be driving a Ford Taurus.

the third man, an elderly gentleman, steped up and announced that he had been married for 46 years and had never even once cheated on his wife. the heavenly choir burst out in song and St. Peter told him that he would be able to drive the golden streets in a brand new Lexus, with gold plating, leather seats and all of the extras that could come with it.

About a month later the young man that was driving the Yugo noticed the Elderly man sitting on a curb next to his fine car with his head in his hands crying. He pulled over and got out of his car and approached the old man. "Dude, what the heck are you crying for? You have the finest ride, and live in the finest part of heaven. the old man looked up at the youngster and said.

"I just passed my wife going the other way."

(are you ready for this?)





"She was riding on a skateboard....."

[Gladman]

Over the years my wife had gained a few pounds. It was almost noticeable when she squeezed onto a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked me, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of our house?"

Trying to be honest I answered, "No, dear, not at all. Our house isn't blue."

Now I'm almost over the cold I caught sleeping in the garage for three nights.

[Grandpa Weatherbie]

(Someone changed a name in this ole groaner)

A Doctor, Hillary Clinton, a Priest and a young boy were travelling on an airplane when the pilot gave an announcement that the plane was going to crash.

There were only three parachutes available so the passengers had to decide amongst themselves who would use the parachutes.

The Doctor grabbed a parachute and said "I'm a Doctor and the world needs me to save lives" and he exited the plane.

Hillary said, "I'm running for President of the United States and I'll be the smartest woman in the world," and she exited the plane.

The Priest looked at the young lad and said, "son, I am well past my prime of life, and you have your whole life still before you, take the last parachute and live a happy life."

The boy looked at the Priest and said, "not to worry Father, the smartest woman in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

[Bumbles]

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

[Willace-the-Clown]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL A**" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

[Bumbles]

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

[Harpoetta]

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.


SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys!