Battle of the sexes thread

[Harpoetta]

A Man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

Hostage answers 'yes.'

Robber shoots him in the head.

He asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

Hostage answers 'yes.'

Robber shoots him in the head.

He asks the third hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

Hostage answers, 'No, but my wife did.'

[Bumbles]

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.

[Gladman]

9 WORDS OR PHRASES WOMEN USE

1. Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.

6. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever
Is a women's way of saying **** ***! (I think you understand)

9. Don't worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

[Harpoetta]

The Bottle of Wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish

you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a

bottle of wine:

Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona

when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo

woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo

woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw,

studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my

husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade....."

[Willace-the-Clown]

You Do The Math...

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Harpoetta]

Man's best friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend!If you don't believe it, just try this experiment...
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?

[Bumbles]

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

[Hypnot]

Wife gets naked and asks hubby
"what turns you on more my pretty face or my sexy body?"

hubby looks her up and down and replies
"your sense of humour"

[Grandpa Weatherbie]

Before marriage a man yearns for the woman he loves, after marriage the "y" becomes silent.

[Grandpa Weatherbie]

How to handle a husband:

My wife and I were celebrating our golden anniversary on the beaches of Montego Bay, Jamaica. Our domestic tranquility has long been the talk of the town. People will say, "what a peaceful loving couple."

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring to our secret for a long happy marriage.
I replied, "it dates back to our honeymoon at the Grand Canyon in Arizona"
While visiting we took a trip to the bottom of the canyon by horseback. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife quietly looked down at the animal and said "thats once", we hadn't gone too far and the horse stumbled again, and again my wife looked at the animal and said "thats twice"
We hadn't gone a half of amile and the horse stumbled for the third time, my wife quietly dismounted the animal, removed a pistol from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her! "Whats wrong with you, why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you crazy?"
She looked at ME and quietly said, "thats once"
and...from that moment...we've lived happily ever after.