Help Me!

Calavera · #1 (**permalink**) 03-31-2008, 12:22 PM

Since it appears that now is the time to get my large collection of monkeys off of my back, I need helping knocking off one huge monkey.

Here are some quick facts:
I have a boyfriend.
We've been together for about a year.
He's talking marriage already.
He wants me to change drastically for him.
I only hooked up with him because I was lonely.
I don't know how to end our relationship without hurting him.

He's forever talking about how great it is to be with me and showers me with love...but I cannot return it. I don't love him, I don't want to be with him. I am way to young to subscribe myself to one person, especially since I have not found who it is that I truly want to spend the rest of my life with.
I don't want to live my life in pure misery, but at the rate things are going that's how it's going to be because I will have settled for him.
We have almost nothing in common, he gets on my nerves 80% of the time and I just plain don't want to be with him!

I am ready to start fresh and cut off the weights that are holding me down

How do I get this monkey off my back and kill it dead?

Fitzwilly · #2 (**permalink**) 03-31-2008, 12:45 PM

The key is in trying not to hurt him too much. There is no way you can avoid hurting him some, and the more you try the more convoluted things get and the worse it is when the end finally comes. He is hurt worse than he would have been, and you feel bad because you were "fond" if him some, not to mention all the extra time and energy you wasted trying to make it "easy" when you wanted just to dump him and get on with something else more interesting. Even though it isn't easy just to sit down and say "It's over." In the long run it is usually easier and "cleaner" than a long drawn out, event that just keeps pulling you back.

Calavera · #3 (**permalink**) 03-31-2008, 12:53 PM

I'm starting to think that might be the easiest way to go. I really don't want that guilt-laced conversation that follows. I don't want any "let's give it another try" or whatever.
I know it seems heartless, but I just want to send him an e-mail saying it's over. At least it's not as bad as a text-message break up, but it still feels harsh to me.
I also know I need to do it now before this gets any worse, but his birthday is in one week and that just makes me feel terrible. On top of that, he's got the stress of a big term paper at his college. Could my timing to decide to start fresh be any worse?!

Calavera · #4 (**permalink**) 03-31-2008, 01:16 PM

So, I took Fitzwilly's advice and broke it off cleanly. On one hand, I feel like a giant weight is off my shoulders and I feel pretty happy. On the other hand, I just hurt a good man.

Now I need some help getting over the tremendous guilt and anxiety. Please?

Fitzwilly · #5 (**permalink**) 03-31-2008, 01:52 PM

A hot shower and a good book to read, or a thought provoking concept or idea that you try putting on paper in just the right words to convey your mental image. Or since you are a visual artist what about a smaller drawing either expressing that anxiety or focusing in another direction until you see whether your guilt and anxiety is justified. It may be easier that it seems and there is no sense focusing on your percieved guilt if he isn't hurt as deeply (or he recovers more quickly) than you assumed he would.

RAZZLE_DAZZLE · #6 (**permalink**) 03-31-2008, 02:45 PM

Well how did you tell him and how did he take it?

RAZZLE_DAZZLE · #7 (**permalink**) 03-31-2008, 03:00 PM

Just add kindness when you speak the truth to him and then you'll feel better about what you've said to him. And possibly you can maintain your friendship with him for many years to come.....Just be honest.

I would hug him and then say, your so good to me and such a wonderful guy, kinda like a Best friend to me, and I don't want to marry you. Please just accept my apology if I have hurt your feelings, The best thing that you can do is be my friend. There is someone out there better for you than me.

RAZZLE_DAZZLE · #8 (**permalink**) 03-31-2008, 03:02 PM

Say a Prayer for him... Hope he can keep it together.
And that he has friends there at college.

Elsie · #9 (**permalink**) 03-31-2008, 03:53 PM

A clean and honest Breakup is the Best Way to do it. I have been in a similar situation and I tried to be nice and tried not to hurt a good friend, but he kept hanging on. I should have ended it point blank, but me not wanting to hurt him, just drug it on and on, in the long run, I probably hurt him worse. Its best to end it as soon as you knew he wasnt the man for you. Why waste time on a relationship that is going nowhere, Dont waste your time or his.
I have learned its best to do it as soon as you realize its not going to last. Its a very hard thing to do, but either way someone is going to be hurt.
Im sorry you had to go through this, I think we all have been there, I know I have too many times. That is why I am still single.......if I cant be with a man who will be my best friend first of all, and no drama with the relationship Im not going there. We all have good friends that there is no effort to have a friendship with, why cant we have the same kind of relationship with some you want to be with the rest of your life,
Just my 2 cents worth

Elsie · #10 (**permalink**) 03-31-2008, 03:58 PM

You should not feel guilty at all, you did both of you a favor. You both would have had a very unhappy life and there is nothing worse than being unhappy, life is short and you should live it to the fullest,
Dont feel guilty because really you did him a favor cutting him loose so he can find someone who loves him as much as he loves her and he deserves that, just as everyone deserves to be loved as much as you them.
Hang in there Im sure in time he will be ok.