flight attendant announcements

[The_Princess_of_Bozonia]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people, we're not picking out furniture here; find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event if an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
!"

[The_Princess_of_Bozonia]

And here's one of my own: as we began to taxi down the runway on a flight to San Francisco a few years ago, a flight attendant made the standard announcements and then cheerily added "We have good news and bad news for y'all. The good news is that y'all are gonna lose some weight on this flight! The bad news is, we forgot to load your little Happy Meals onto the airplane in time, so we're just going to forget about dinner and serve you a tiny bag of pretzels instead. Thank you for flying American Airlines!"

[ibimus]

These are great!

*sigh* I wish all of my flight attendants had been this much fun. :x

[Luki Loki]

Wildest flight crew I ever saw was Flying Tigers from Korea to Okinawa, Japan. They were tossong sack lunches like raw meat to lions. Bunch of Marines just out of the field after a month of ops.

[Scruffy]

If anyone can find it; Foster brook once snuck into the cockpit of te plane he was riding and bribed the pilot to let him make the anouncement. In that dead on drunk voice that only he could do. He said when he came back to first class that every one was white as a sheet and terrified!

[saphireSue]

picture this 6 months pregnant on a 2 hr flight home that took from 7:30 am to 5:30 pm to get to my destination.

Another pilot taking hop back sitting next to me, critizing the pilot, the pilot trying to avoid a snow storm that was also going to our destination. finnially arrived. started landing procedures, close to the ground just in time to see a pretty field with fences when the plane then shot straignt back up, the pilot actually came on the intercome ' Sorry about that folks, lost the runway".

you ain't seen nothing til you've seen a motion sick pregnant lady who has to go to the bathroom frequently on a plane that flew over railroad tracks.

[Jitterbug]

Sue, you poor thing! Well, let me tell my story!
When I went to Honduras on a missions trip, we were sitting on the plane in La Ceiba when we looked out the window and saw DUCT tape on the wing!!! They started the plane...stopped the plane, and a guy from the cockpit (I'm assuming a pilot?) came out and went to the back. A few minutes later he came back up with a SCREWDRIVER in his hand...Oh geez, he's fixing this taped together plane with a screwdriver???? EEEK
Needless to say, we made it there in one piece and back. SO maybe he knew what he was doing after all?
Jitt