Old People Jokes

[Harpoetta]

SENILITY



Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?





Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'




I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes,

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to black outs.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God,I still have my driver's license.




I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over





An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'







My memory's just not quite as sharp as it used to be.

Also, please remember that my memory's just not quite as sharp as it used to be.




Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.




It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.




These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'




THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Scruffy]

Katie, you brightened my day. I fully understand the coffee maker thing!

[Harpoetta]

Glad you liked it Scruffy!

[RAZZLE_DAZZLE]

Here's a good one Our wisdom comes from our experience, and our experience comes from our foolishness.

[RAZZLE_DAZZLE]

and.........It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly.

[TJ]

I've got to tell some of these in lodge!

It's an older crowd, and they'll appreciate it.

[pixcoco]

You can tell them every week. Old people can't remember that long. Personally , I hide my own easter eggs. I found 3 this year.

[Gladman]

A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish and play golf.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.

Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."