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a few nursing jokes

Discussion in 'Hospital Clowning' started by Gladman, Aug 25, 2009.

  1. Gladman

    Gladman Well-Known Member

    Nurse, admitting s female patient: Are you on any special diets?

    Patient: Yes, I drink Slim-Fast twice a day, but it's not working. In fact, I've gained several pounds.

    Nurse: Really? Do you think that skipping meals to drink a shake makes you so hungry that you overeat later?

    Patient: What do you mean, "skipping meals?":cool:

    The nurse answering the help line received a call from an anxious woman. "I'm a diabetic and I'm, afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.

    "Are you lightheaded?" asked the nurse.

    "Oh no, I'm a brunette.":???:

    A certified nurse midwife answered her page and heard the voice of a frantic prospective father shouting that his wife was having labor pains. When the midwife asked the husband how far apart the pains were, there was silence on the other end of the line. Finally, the young man blurted out. "I can't be sure, but I think they're all in about the same place.":cry:
    • Laugh Laugh x 13
    • Thanks Thanks x 4
    • Groan Groan x 1
  2. Gladman

    Gladman Well-Known Member

    There was a knock at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interviews when the man disappears. A moment later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door and sees the man. When he opens his mouth to speak, the man disappears once again.

    "Hey, are you playing games with me?" St Peter calls after him annoyed.

    "No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate me.":pie:
    • Laugh Laugh x 11
  3. Happy Chappy & Daisy

    Happy Chappy & Daisy Well-Known Member

    My mother did this! She couldn't figure out why she wasn't losing weight, when she was really taking in a few hundred calories more on this diet!
    • Laugh Laugh x 7
  4. Doc & Jasper

    Doc & Jasper New Member

    Patient: Nurse, I've had this headache for seven years now.

    Nurse: When did it start?

    Patient: It started when I got married.

    Nurse: How long ago was that?

    Patient: Seven years ago.

    What is the difference in an oral and rectal thermometer?
    Well if you don' know I am not sending you out for an oral one.
    • Laugh Laugh x 4
  5. Doc & Jasper

    Doc & Jasper New Member

    A few real medical records.

    As a paramedic I have seen some medical records that were weird, and here are a couple examples.

    Patient with gunshot to head. Cheif complaint Headache.

    Patient with Diarhea on hand for a week.

    Patient with headache, complaint been married for a year.

    Patient blind, can't see why he is sick.

    Sometimes we just can't make this stuff up.
    • Laugh Laugh x 5
  6. Gladman

    Gladman Well-Known Member

    Had a patient with liver failure who had recently switched from beer to vodka. When I asked him why he switched, he replied, "I drink vodka with orange juice, and I figured the orange juice would be good for me.":???::cry:
    • Laugh Laugh x 4
  7. Gladman

    Gladman Well-Known Member

    The Lamaze class was full of pregnant women and their partners. The instructor said that it would be good for the ladies to exercise. "Walking is especially beneficial, and gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner either."

    The room got quiet. Finally, one of the men raised his hand and asked, "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?":p
    • Laugh Laugh x 3
  8. Spangle The Clown

    Spangle The Clown New Member

    whats the difference in the bird flu or the swine flu...
    the bird flu you need a tweetment
    the swine flu you need oikment
    • Laugh Laugh x 5
  9. Lollipop

    Lollipop New Member

    Gladman, do you have any jokes or punchlines for the puppet?
  10. Dusty B

    Dusty B Hobo Clown At Large

    PUNCHLINE: "No, I said "Waxahatchee!!!"

    <no, I have no idea what the joke is that goes with it. you said jokes OR punchlines.>
  11. Spangle The Clown

    Spangle The Clown New Member

    Please some one tell us the joke that goes with this
  12. Gladman

    Gladman Well-Known Member

    Dr. Scribbles is usually very quiet. He reaches out to the quiet apprehensive children and often brings out a smile. That makes him very happy. He has tried to speak, but the kids usually turn to me, the novice ventriloquist.
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
  13. Gladman

    Gladman Well-Known Member

    As she called the aging man back for his exam, the nurse spoke to him:

    "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long and happy life?"

    " I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whiskey a week, I never exercise, and I eat lots of fatty foods." he said.

    "That's amazing," the nurse said. "How old are you?"

    "Twenty six.":cry:
    • Laugh Laugh x 1
  14. Gladman

    Gladman Well-Known Member

    Remember, half the world's doctors graduated in the bottom half of their class.
  15. Scruffy

    Scruffy Boss Clown/Administrator

    SO that's where they get proctologists.....
    • Laugh Laugh x 2
    • Groan Groan x 1
  16. Gladman

    Gladman Well-Known Member

    On my way home from work last week I came upon an automobile accident. There was an older gentleman lying on the grass so I knelt down beside him and began an assessment.
    "Does this hurt or does that hurt?" I questioned after each probe.
    "No," he replied each time.
    I shifted to a better position to continue probing when he suddenly said "That hurts!"
    "Where?" I asked him, "Where?" He looked up at me in obvious pain and screamed, "You're kneeling on my fingers!" :cry:
  17. Duckie

    Duckie New Member

    Thanks a lot for pointing that out!!!!!!! Now I'm really afreared!!!!!!!!
  18. JustLoco

    JustLoco Active Member

    The Taste!!!!!
    • Laugh Laugh x 1
  19. CuteFunnyMan

    CuteFunnyMan New Member

    how does it taste? >.<
  20. Gladman

    Gladman Well-Known Member

    A nurse caring for a man from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the man produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." :???:
    • Groan Groan x 2

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